Real Talk
It seems to me that the past two Decembers have included a fair amount of inner struggle. I recall being up light gazing at the Christmas tree, praying with Bible in hand, petitioning God to relieve me from the anxious, heavy feeling. This year, I struggle again with the heavy weight of anxiety.
It seems to come on when it gets dark outside- and these days, that is starting early. It’s this unsettled, irked feeling. This time it is associated with bodily sensations.
I do my best to ignore the pressure in the left side of my chest cavity but at night, it is harder to do that. I am more aware of it. Earlier were watching “Elf'“ and I found myself laughing, like fully laughing with a big smile on my face, and I thought maybe the tightness was gone. But then, I laughed it grabbed hard and hurt.
I’ve been experiencing this for a year. On Monday I will make sure to get my lab results back, one way or another. I also plan to call my pulmonologist and try to get in for an evaluation and a chest x-ray. It’s been since the summer of 2021.
I realize it’s probably something completely not cancer-related, but these sensations trigger my anxiety. What increases my anxiety, though, and so I will stop doing it, is pretending that everything is fine with me.
It’s an added pressure. So lately when my mom or my husband ask how I am doing, I’m doing my best to be honest with them about what I am experiencing.
Watching happy Christmas movies helps too. It gets my mind off of myself and instead of feeling anxious, it melts into a kind of sentimental sadness, a warmth, a love.
I much prefer that state to anxiety.
I know I will get through this. And God is helping me.
The other night I went to bed and repeated “Our Father” repeatedly but kept getting off track because disruptive dreams/visions would come. I kept returning to the prayer. Suddenly, I felt lifted out of the quagmire of noise into a light, beatific state or place. I saw a couple of beautiful visions that made me smile and gave me a feeling of incredible peace.
I don’t remember the first vision, but the second was of a baby taking its first step. It was so beautiful- it filled me with such joy. I don’t know how to describe it. Oh that my mind only played such fare! It gave me such a feeling of peace and relaxation, I drifted off to sleep from there.
God, please help me to experience more peace. Please grant me relief from this burden. I love Christmas and I would really love to be happy and not frightened. Please help me to be calm and courageous. Amen.
