How God Became Real to Me: Trial, Error, and the Gift of Faith

Dec 6

Southeast Vipassana Center, Jesup GA, Summer 2008

"Are you okay?"

That is the question one of the aides at the Vipassana Meditation Center in Georgia who had cracked open the door to the women’s bungalow filled with bunk beds whispered through the dark to me one of my first nights there.

I must have been loudly crying. Okay, I WAS loudly crying.

I was only a few days into the highly disciplined ten-day silent meditation retreat and I had completely lost it.

The aide’s question brought me back to a present moment awareness that there were people other than me at this retreat, and the poor souls were probably trying to get some sleep.

I whispered a shaky "yes," and calmed myself down.

A Spiritual Attack Before the Retreat

The truth is, not only was the collective trauma of my past coming up, HARD, but what had just happened before I had arrived at the retreat center was enough to throw anyone for a loop.

The night before the retreat, I had decided to go see some St. Augustine musician friends perform at a local venue. I ordered a bottle of wine for myself at the venue (I was a frequent and enthusiastic wine drinker in my early 20s) and unwisely left my glass unattended.

I wasn't at the after-gig-hangout for long before it became obvious that someone had put something in my drink.

I began hallucinating in the backyard, on my knees, tears streaming down my face, contemplating a beautiful stained glass window that no one else could see.

I ran into the arms of some guy whose dad had just died because I felt so convinced I was feeling his pain.

I was spinning and dancing and acting extra weird.

I selected a friend at this house whom I judged to be "safe," the one who pointed out to me that I was not acting like myself, and I hung by him for the rest of the long night, of which I only remember bits and pieces.

The next morning, my life was in disarray. I couldn't find my license and instead of going to the police and reporting the person I was fairly sure had drugged me, I called my dad and asked him to take me to the DMV for a new license and then on to Georgia so I could check in for my 10-day Vipassana meditation.

An Intense Retreat Experience

At the retreat, we turned in our cell phones and were expected to have brought no books, notebooks, or anything to distract us. The meditation bells rang regularly without fail each day starting in the dark of the early morning, calling us to the meditation hall throughout each day. The meditation practices were simple. I spent hours noticing the feeling of the breath flowing from my nostrils against the skin of my upper lip. My mind rebelled.

Inevitably, waves of thoughts, memories, and feelings came up for release, particularly in the evenings. My thoughts were sharp with anger and heavy with grief. Who had drugged me? Was it the person I suspected? How could they have done that? Why hadn't I known better than to leave myself vulnerable? How had my life come to this? Why was I not able to take care of myself? Why did I feel abandoned and alone?

As if to make this 10-day retreat even more intense, I was experiencing bothersome symptoms from a cancer that was active in my body but had not been diagnosed yet (I would finally be diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma approximately 8 months later in February 2009).

I had a small container of olive oil I had brought with me that I rubbed on the backs of my legs in the middle of the night. Olive oil was the only thing I had found helpful in quelling the hellish itching that plagued me while I was trying to sleep. The fact that doctors had not been able to help me only added to my feelings of being alone with a problem that was bigger than my ability to solve.

I had some visions, a few insights, and certainly developed my self-discipline muscle when it came to sitting meditation, but I’m not sure I left the 10-day experience any more enlightened than I had been when I arrived. I completed the 10-day meditation and promptly resumed the lifestyle I had led before the retreat.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil. - Proverbs 3:5-7

Oh, Ye of Little Faith

Looking back at this time in my life, I see what was lacking. I didn’t have Faith. I struggled.

I felt so alone, when in truth there was an army of angels and the King of Heaven ready to assist me.

“How I wish I knew Jesus then the way I do know!” a small inner voice cries.

How many bad turns could have been avoided?

How differently could those years have gone? What could God have done with the gifts he has given me, if I'd allowed Him in?

Perhaps I could have avoided cancer...if only this...or if only that...and so on this train of thought goes.

However, I know that regretting the past is NOT helpful. This train of thought does not serve me.

The fact is, all of the steps I took led me to this place, where God clearly wants me.

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?” - Matthew 14:31

Choice and Providence

The thing was, I didn’t NOT believe in God in my 20s. I had just become skeptical enough of religion that I didn’t TRUST Him the way I had as a kid. I was so busy analyzing and judging the cultural and logical quirks of the Bible and religious traditions that I no longer saw the Promises of the Bible. I no longer believed God was FOR me. I made many decisions based on a deep feeling of existential loneliness. I didn’t just feel alone in the world- I felt alone in UNIVERSE. I think this plagues a lot of people today.

Ironically, I opened the Bible fairly often as I was in college studying Philosophy and Religion. My scholarly copy of the Bible had a printing error on the word "blemish" in one of the Epistles— the word "blemish" had printed slightly smudged. Surely there must be an higher intelligence pulling the strings, poking fun at me, I thought.

I went through several mini-personal revivals, where I would pray deeply and sincerely. There are pages and pages in journals where I repeatedly asked God to help me with my attachment to drinking; to help me choose Him above a compromising lifestyle; to show me how to get past the pain and patterns of my past.

I would go through these periods with an earnest commitment to pursue a godly life but fall back into unhealthy patterns.

I suppose I had not developed the willpower to resist temptations to indulge in self-destructive behaviors. In my early 20’s the invitations to give into these lower (and futile) forms of gratification were everywhere and sometimes it felt nearly impossible to choose otherwise.

I was used to choosing to open a beer or a bottle of wine. I knew how I would feel and what would happen. I didn’t know what would happen if I chose God. It seemed too quiet. Too boring. Too lonely. Too hard.

The simple fact is, God allowed me to make my decisions. I don't doubt He was always with me and I don't doubt He had a plan for my life. It just wasn't time yet. I wasn't ready.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11

A Simple Human in a Supernatural World

One thing I have learned through my years of searching and stumbling is that I am human. What a discovery! Yes, I am human and I have all of the human limitations that come along with it. We are fearfully and wonderfully made, but we are also flawed and susceptible to sin! This weakness must be the universal "Achilles' Heel" of the species.

GOD, however, as a being with no limitations, has not wasted a single experience of my life. Each of my past painful experiences including sexual trauma, drug use, alcohol addiction, an array of self-destructive experimentations, cancer, divorce, and heartache have been part of the lessons of my lifetime.

Through each of these difficult lessons, God has, amazingly, brought profound good into my life. That's what God does. God makes things GOOD.

Another thing I have learned is that sin and evil are a real presence in this world.

I know the existence of evil seems obvious to many people, after all there are a lot of atrocities happening, but I doubted the existence of an adversary for a long time.

Even in my twenties, with my willingness to engage the Taoist tradition, which teaches DUALITY is an integral part of our universe (yin-yang), I didn't want to believe I was vulnerable to something explicitly "evil." I wanted to rise above, or at least learn from duality and somehow be in tune with the greater Source from which duality arose, with an understanding that the dance of opposites in an illusion.

It sounds good in theory, but I haven't seen it work this world. This world is concretely dualistic. On a moral level, this means there is Good and there is Evil. Even the best people fall for clever deceptions.

I personally cannot navigate the moral landscape without God. I cannot even properly discern the more subtle forms of Good and Evil without God!

The fact is, the adversary is intelligent too and his illusions are powerful.

I don’t want to face them alone. Moreover, I don't NEED to face them alone.

I am a human and I need supernatural help.

Without a Savior, without a Divine Master, there is no way out of the dualistic maze in my life.

God is God and I am human. I am glad I finally figured this one out!

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. - John 10:10

Humility, God's Grace, and Redemption

Humility is one of the most effective lessons I have learned on this journey.

Experiencing my human limitations has shown me in no uncertain terms that I need God.

I need the Grace of God to help me make godly choices; to illuminate my mind and heart; and to help me bear and face the challenges of this human life.

I understand what Saint Teresa of Calcutta wrote of humility: “If you are humble nothing will touch you, neither praise nor disgrace, because you know what you are.”

I have truly been humbled through my life experiences. I know what I am. I am a human who is dependent on God.

I know, firsthand, that life without God is a dead-end, regardless of how shiny some of the things look along the way.

I also know that God is continuing to spin Gold out of the dust of my mistakes. His plan is still unfolding.

I am in awe of His Transcendent splendor and I am confident of a glorious future in Heaven with Him.

Here on Earth, the Holy Spirit fills me with awareness of His Living Presence. I finally feel full. I finally feel satisfied.

Every day I thank God for gifting me with the Faith I've prayed for; the Faith that eluded me for so long.

If you're on a long journey, know this, God has a plan for your life. If you are lacking in the faith department, as I was for so long, pray for God to give you Faith.

Ask God to reveal Himself to you. Tell Him you want to see Him working in your life. That you want to know Him better. Sincerely and humbly, Ask Him!

And then Thank Him!

Thank you GOD! God is GOOD!

Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you. -Matthew 7:7

Anastasia Forrest