Trigger: Abandonment
I recently realized that the idea or fear that I will be abandoned or not be “taken care of” is a potent trigger for me.
I can look back over my life and see places and times during which I felt I had been abandoned (or feared abandonment) in some way.
As a young woman in my early 20s struggling with mysterious physical symptoms (I had cancer but didn’t know it), I wrestled with a feeling that I had been taken advantage when I was young teen because my first serious romantic relationship was with a significantly older (adult) man. My (inner, unspoken) ego’s story became that the adults in my life had made a mistake by allowing this to happen to me, I’d grown up too fast, gotten confused, and was now abandoned, numbing myself with drugs and alcohol and people didn’t care about me anymore.
The most recent iteration of this ego tale was sparked by being told within a few days by a health insurance agent and my mother that, “If you develop a serious medical condition (like cancer) but have no medical insurance, doctors can refuse to treat you, even if you agree to pay out of pocket.”
My ego freaked out over this. It took this VERY personally. It felt this to be highly unjust. It felt that it had given a lot by participating in a clinical trial at risk to my body, going on to become a productive member of society, giving birth to and raising promising young new citizens. “How dare they not take care of ME?,” my ego said. The inner story/fear was “They don’t care about me or they won’t take care of me.” Of course, conversations regarding the (un)affordability of healthcare and health insurance aside, nothing had even really happened, but my ego was reacting as though it had.
Since I was able to identify this inner ego story and noted it was a repeat story, and the emotions it brought up were so intense, I had to ask myself, “Is this a God thing?”
Is God the Divine parent I fear may desert me? Is it God’s care that I long to feel? Is God the Being that my ego has felt, at time, abandoned by?
“Oh God, why has thou forsaken me?,” Jesus is written to have cried out from the cross.
Even Jesus, the Divine Son of God, apparently experienced feelings of separation from God.
I suppose the ego must go through these crises (real or imagined), these trials, these ups and downs.
For it is in these moments of seeming or even imagined abandonment that Spirit shines through most brightly.
When the ego is in rockstar mode and everything is going great, the personality tends to be too busy for the lessons of Spirit.
Ego is like, “I got this.”
But when the ego suddenly loses the idea that it has everything “under control,” its illusion of dominance and solo survival is shattered.
The truth of God is seen. Suddenly is becomes obvious that there is a bigger and more powerful will than my own (imagine!) by which the world turns.
“No one is Good but God alone.”
Ego bows in humility to Spirit and Spirit bows in humility to God.
Perhaps you call that higher power or will beyond your own God. Perhaps you call it something else.
Personally, have to re-learn humility and re-meet God all of the time because, on an ego level, I have huge amounts of doubt and pride, which seem to appear out of nowhere sometimes.
Fun stuff.
Here is what came to me about abandonment. Feel free to take from it what works for you and leave it all if none of it does:
The truth is…
You are never abandoned by God.
You are God’s child and He loves you infinitely and incomprehensibly.
He loves you so much that he allows you the gift of life and the lessons of the Spirit/Ego. He invites you to learn how to rely on a truth and inner knowing beyond that of your ego-based, rational mind.
This world will do what it will do and seasons change for everyone.
It doesn’t mean you’ve been left. It doesn’t mean you’re forsaken.
God said, “I will never leave you. I will never forsake you.”
This is the truth and I hope you will come to fully know and believe it in this lifetime.
September 19, 2023
