Light and Dark

We are in the month of October, which is largely associated with Halloween, ghosts, and all things “spooky.” I was feeling called to write and share more about my experiences of wrestling with fear when I got blocked into a parking space by a “Freight Truck.” It literally said that on the truck. So, I’m going for it. And I’m going fully into the symbolic nature of the physical world. Hope this doesn’t get too crazy.

I can’t prove this is true, but I strongly suspect that the more one starts to “wake up” the more “dream-like” the nature of this reality we are currently in becomes.

I suspect this because I have experienced it.

Operating at this level, things can be quite beautiful and magical at times; and quite frightening at others. Sometimes it feels downright psychedelic. It is truly a platform on which one will confront their fears and weaknesses in the most amazingly particularized way, You encounter exactly what you need to face, overcome, and integrate.

There have been several occasions during the course of my life when I was struck with a foreboding sense of impending doom and death. The most relevant to this piece is the time I went through a cancer battle with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. There were some odd things that preceded and accompanied this experience.

One was being sent a photocopy of an obituary (pictured below) from my Uncle Jimmy and Aunt Lucy. They lived in Tallahassee, FL, at the time. The obituary described the deceased as “Anastasia Spiecker,” aged 93 years, with numerous descendants. Not only were her first and last names spelled precisely as my own, but the names of her surviving relatives were the same as many of my own relatives’ names! At the time this was published, my father’s and mother’s names were Robert and Debbi Spiecker. Plus I had a grandfather “George.”

As much as I tried to focus on the positive aspects of this obituary (“93- what a ripe old age!- all those descendants, how beautiful!- and the pyramid and the numbers - the 9’s and 3’s-”), the “omen” felt just as threatening as it did encouraging. (“That’s a lady with my exact, extremely uncommon name, and she just died!”)

A few years later, I was diagnosed with cancer. As surprised as I was, I was also not. As before a train arrives, you hear the train whistle resounding far in the distance, I felt the weight of this transformative experience approaching years before it arrived. Through premonitions during dreams and psychedelic experiences (part of my past), I had been receiving the message something was coming for a while- some kind of death- some kind of rebirth - some kind of intense transformation.

Just as my reactions had been to the obituary, I had the same mixed feelings in regard to my journey of grappling with cancer and my mortality. While there was much light, love, blessing, and comfort, there were moments of doubt, darkness, despair, and the cold grip of fear.

One afternoon during one of my four (+) hour-long chemo treatments which I received in a large room seated in a recliner next to others receiving their own, I encountered a woman I knew I must speak to. I knew because she looked shiny- there was a glow around her. Her name was Denise and she was an out-of-town visitor, there on a visit to support a friend of hers, a lovely woman who was going through treatment for Ovarian cancer, I believe.

As I spoke with Denise, I learned she was touched with spiritual gifts. I don’t recall what she called herself, but she had written a book on angels, signs, and spirit guides. As I didn’t have any money, I asked my parent to please purchase a session with Denise for me. The price was very reasonable and I got so much out of her visit.

She came to my home. One of the things I shared with her was this idea that sounded so crazy I hadn’t told anyone else. But one of my good friends at the time had the last name of Asbury. For some reason, my mind had latched onto this detail and decided that Asbury = A.S. Bury = Anastasia Spiecker bury. That I would die and he would bury me. Just like the obituary which could have been interpreted in any way, or no way at all, my mind had assigned a meaning to this friend’s name and it was playing into my perception of the future.

She said something so insightful. She said, “Why does it have to mean that? You can think of another meaning. Why can’t it mean, ‘Berry Good?’ (Very good).”

With this simple twist of perspective, I realized that we have the power to instill a meaning that serves us, empowers us, and/or comforts us. We have an option as to whether we simply passively accept the mind’s paranoid script, or not. It was an enlightening moment for me.

Denise reminded me of the creative potential and power I had. There was much more to this session, and the overall response and takeaway was a newfound ability to relax into the moment. My whole body had been so tense and on edge with fear, but she reminded me how to relax, visualize the body with light surrounding it, and call on my angels (“Shields Up!”). She reminded me that the light was there for me to call on and that I had the ability to do so.

Regardless of when the physical form will expire - only God knows the time and date- residing in fear does not serve us.

Fear is part of the orchestration of darkness. It’s a tool to control and influence us (paranoid script).

OR it’s a color in the palette of experience, making this world as colorful, diverse, and convincing as it is (neutral to helpful script)!

See, you can even interpret fear in a way that serves you.

Think of it…. after all, the rods and cones in our eyes take in raw input and translate it into images, into colors. Through our senses, we experience this world - so brightly colored, so seemingly real.

But what we are each seeing is so subjective, it’s incredible.

Imagine what it looks like from an ant’s perspective or from the perspective of someone flying in a plane above you. All of a sudden, things look so very different.

I used the story about my own fear of death here as an example, but that’s an extreme example. There are many kinds of fears we encounter as humans. In each case, we have the potential to look at the situation or “threat” in a different way.

YOU are a creative being. Walk in the light and look for the light. You will see it, you will find it, and you will come to know it in a very personal way.

Somehow, it’s always right there next to the dark.